Hi ,
“I don’t like that man. I must get to know him better”
This is an alleged quote by Abraham Lincoln and I want to tell you why I love it.
1: Paradox. There's the blatant clash in logic. If you don't like someone- why would you want to get to know them better?
Usually we lean out - not in... We'll switch seats, cancel trips and decline events if people we don't like are there.
It goes against the grain...
Which brings me onto the next reason I like this quote...
2: It gives you agency and control.
This mindset makes you, the disliker, in control of your decision.
I'm all about designed living - not default.
And how good a judge are you anyway?
Have you actually met this person, or are you going off someone else's opinion?
Is your dislike based off a default judgement on what they look like, their voice, or a split second interaction.
In a Christian context: "Do to others what you would have them do to you"
Wouldn't you like to live in a world where others gave you the benefit of the doubt?
You've been wrong before, you can be wrong again.
And to bring that home, you've probably got friends in your own life that you initially disliked. I know I have.
So go prove yourself wrong, you're in the driving seat.
3: We tend to like people if we talk to the right parts.
In my experience, if you don't like someone, it's not all of them that you don't like. Dig beneath the surface, past the projected persona, and you'll find the most human-like parts hidden underneath: The boy that was picked on at school and acts defensive, the loud girl growing up under her parents' shadow.
Chances are they are jolly nice underneath.
If you're not getting there, Listen harder. Make space and remember: you have two ears and one mouth. We're given so few times to truly speak without interruption or challenge that we'll adore anyone that gives us the chance bringing our guard down.
4: Everyone is interesting - ask the right questions
We often might not like someone because we find them dull. Rather than a proper dislike, we just see the person as a time-sink, we'd rather be speaking to other people or doing other things.
The trick is:
Ask the right questions - about things you do find interesting. (Are you certain that in their whole life, they've not done/seen/heard anything you'd find interesting?)
Don't ask about facts, understand feelings. Whilst it's great to learn about where/what someone did on holiday, learning about how/why they felt like that is where you really get to enjoy the 'rich tapestry' of a person's BEING.
Truthfully, it's the people you might like the least, with their odd personalities, that are often the most interesting and alternative when you dig beneath the surface.
Give them a chance, if you think they're uninteresting, chances are others have to. Which means, they've been conditioned - over time - to play it safe and express less and less of who they really are... You're talking to their shell.
To quote Alain de Botton:
"We have been hammered into assuming that our voices are not especially compelling and that our reflections do not merit sustained attention. We're therefore likely to start a story with hesitation and then, looking around us furtively, to abort our mission at the slightest hint of tedium."
In sum -> They can't all be as perfect, witty and fascinating as you ;)
5: I like this quote because I've practiced it without really knowing why.
I used to work at a Canadian summer camp where I'd look after a cabin of boys between the ages of 10 to 14. I was quite good at it. So, as my reward, I'd be given some of the more difficult kids. It didn't matter why they were like they were, I'd need to have an enjoyable week them regardless.
After a few tough weeks, I worked out a rule of thumb - and I've used in my experiences with adults too:
Work out who the 'asshole' could be and get them on-side first.
I'd gauge who wasn't integrating, who didn't want to be there, the one I wasn't going to like - and make sure they got my attention - before it was negative.
Lo and behold: they noticed the effort, and we got to like each other.
"I don't like that man. I must get to know him better"
I wonder how you could apply this to your future interactions.
To end this with an excellent line in Peep Show:
Be well, and thanks for all the donations to my Kenya run last week - really kind!
James
0 comments