Who goes with you?

Hi friend,

Last time we talked about direction and the structure nobody taught us to build.

Today, the fourth pillar. Relationships. Your circle.

If you grew up in a church like I did, you've heard this one. Do not be unequally yoked.

And almost every time you've heard it, it was about marriage.

Which is interesting, because the principle was never only about a spouse.

We took the one relationship we planned carefully and left every other relationship in our lives completely unexamined.

So let me ask you something.

Who is in your circle, and how did they get there?

For most of us, the honest answer is that they were assigned.

School sat us next to them. Work put us on the same team.
Church put us in the same group.
Family handed them to us.

Somebody was simply there, in the room, at the right time, and now, fifteen years later, they're still one of the voices in your head when you make a decision.

Not because you chose them. Because they were there.

Proximity chose your circle for you.

Now, I need to say this clearly, because this is where this conversation usually goes wrong online.

This is not a call to audit your friends and cut people off.

I'm not asking you to make a list of who's worth keeping.

That version of this advice is loud, cold, and it has hurt people.

This is the same work we've been doing all along. Noticing.

And then being intentional, instead of letting your circle go wherever the wind takes it.

Because here's the thing. Everyone in your circle already has a job description. You just didn't write it.

Every relationship is doing something. Some people feed you. Some drain you. Some sharpen you. Some keep you small, very kindly, and with the best intentions.

Intentionality is simply deciding on purpose what you were going to decide by default anyway.

And that includes boundaries and access.

Not everyone in your life gets the same access to you. That's not coldness, that's stewardship. Some people get your time. Fewer get your energy. Fewer still get the unfinished thoughts, the fears, the things you haven't figured out yet.

My circle is small but deep. That's a choice, not an accident.

I also hold different relationships for different things. I have accountability partners, and I have prayer partners. They are not the same people and they are not doing the same job. One nurtures me intellectually. The other nurtures me spiritually. Naming that meant I stopped expecting one person to be everything to me, which is unfair to them and disappointing for me.

There's one more piece I want to give you, and it's the simplest way I know to look at a circle.

Everyone needs relationships on three levels.

Those ahead of you. People further along, who you're learning from.

Those beside you. Peers, in the same season, who you can be honest with because neither of you is performing for the other.

Those behind you. People coming up, who you lift.

Most of us have one or two of these. Almost nobody has all three.

And the one people miss most often is the third, because they're convinced they haven't come far enough to be useful to anyone. You have. Someone is exactly where you were three years ago, and three years is a lot when you're the one standing in it.

One last thing, for anyone reading this thinking, I don't have access to the people ahead of me.

You don't need a coffee with someone for them to shape you.

You can choose whose books you read. Whose voices you listen to. Who gets to be in your ears while you work. In your own industry, and deliberately outside it. That's still a chosen circle. Choose it on purpose rather than letting an algorithm choose it for you.

This is why the fourth instrument in The Autonomy Code is called Claim Your Circle.